luvdrunk's Blog

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

...Helen Steiner Rice 

its a week in....  i have 2 more weeks of the other medication but its not strong.. its only 100mg where as the other antibiotic i was taking was 400mg (thats finished now)

its not working . i dont know whats happening to me .. i feel so much sadness everyday .. i look at that one corner in my room and think . thats where i wanna do it. thats where i;d like to go to end this , its becoming too much. 
i cry everyday and still the pain doesnt go away...
if i decide to do it , i;m gunna leave ep.cos  this is where i;ve left my trail,
i dont want anyone other than u ep people know whats been happening to me this entire time
i'd rather not be judged by those other people



is life really worth it ? what lessons am i learning. am i doing the right thing, whats this all for . i have too many unanswered questions myself.  things leading to no where.

real pointless. this life. i'm becoming too overwhelmed . i need help but cant seem to help myself.
i want to go, i dont want to be here anymore 
i failed

.... last night from a nightmare .. and was almost drenched in sweat..
 i sleep to forget , not be reminded.. i was terrified of  going back to sleep.. i didnt want to remain awake cos as long as it pains, my mind will race on all kindsa things.

today was no different . i want to panic but i know panicking is not the answer 1. wont make me feel better 2 wont solve anything. but everything inside me feels like its screaming already.

i'm sitting here with a bloated belly counting down each hour that i have to take the next dose of medication and trying not to panic that its one less 

today that things were looking up but tonight the pain is back in full force again.
i'm suspecting this might be much more than just  PID
i feel like my lower abdomen is filled with fluid and swollen inside..(i'm not sure if it really is ) but the pain is just so intense ..

i have about 2 days left of one of the medication.... and well 2 weeks of the other.
not seeing any improvements. i wanna go back to the doctor. but i'm so afraid
this is so embarrassing to have to tell anyone..  all it does is make me wanna cry

I've got a headache.
just generally not feeling well.
i feel like i'm not getting enough food... not that i;m starving myself. food stock is just low atm.
trying to drink lots of fluid.
but sick. i'll go lay down now and hope to feel better when i wake up

i hate laying down.. i think i'd much rather clean the house right now but i dont have the energy.

late ...
came on the 20th and 21st  stopped completely on the 22nd
and got one or 2 spots of blood today

doesnt that sound like the saddest thing 

ok going to listen to a sad song and cry now....
feeling sorry for myself again

i love watching before and after pics.... i think its incredible what the human body can achieve when you train and work out hard. I think its admirable. i look up to that for some reason.. the dedication it takes and all the time spent on sculpting your body is absolutely amazing to me!

i am not well right now but someday if i do get better i'd like to work on becoming what i've always dreamed of being.

but its just a reminder that i'm sick and besides that .. will never be able to achieve this unless i hit the gym but i'm sick so whats the point.. 

sigh.. 

so i got the money to purchase the meds. and have started it.
i know i've only just begun.. but i havent been seeing any improvement. ... 
i feel like i wanna pass out in pain..  but luckily i've managed to lay down and sleep 
with rest it kinda goes away but as soon as i start walking about..the pain comes right back 

its a 21 day course ... only time will tell if it will work

my doc says to come check him back so that he can know if it treatment worked
i sometimes wonder if he doesnt think it would work .... i know nothing is 100% certain but 
what if it doesnt work..  what if the cause of my problem isnt found  and not treated correctly that means
i'll be in pain for a long time...

so my friend texted me the day before yesterday saying that he'd take me to the doc that he doesnt want me to be alone in this and he would be there for me and he'd take care of the doctor bill... then 2 mins later (mind you i didnt reply to it) i get another text saying .. he wont be going to the doctor with me and that I'd have to pay him back the money and if he has to go , i'd have to go see one of his doctors instead because it would be a lot cheaper . then yesterday he texted me saying that if i needed money.. that he is there to help and although hes not there with me, hes there in spirit. and if after all of this is over , if i decide not to speak with him - "hes cool with it"
- um... what does he think he is, god? -  there in spirit??? wtf ever!  

out of sight out of mind  is more like what it is .. dont give me that spirit talk unless your name is Jesus ok 

i havent texted him a single thing ... cos clearly i was healthy before all this Sh!t went down.. he put his dirty ass d!ck inside of me,,, now i'm sick and have to deal with this problem on my own - my fault 
all my fault!

2. i took care off all the doctor bills by myself. ... i bought the meds by myself .. pay him back??? umm b!tch i pay for my own shiznits!!! so STFU is what i'm thinking!! pay you back?!?!?!???!!!! if its anything he should be doing is paying me back!!!!

when i read the text, it makes me so much more angrier about the situation and think all kinds of ungodly thoughts about how i'd like him to die!!!!!! but i wont let those evil thoughts rule my mind... cos all i want to focus on is being in a good state of mind to help with the healing process and i pray to god that i would be able to be ok and healthy again... thats all i want.. i could care less about him . I obviously made a huge mistake when i let him have sex with me that day and i regret it , i regret all of it. it makes me angry that i was so stupid .. 

i hope karma comes back to bite him in the a$$ honestly

In my time of pain i have only realised  one thing.
the people who you will count on the most will be the ones who disappoint the most
when least expected.,.. the person who you trusted will turn their back on you

but we are only accountable for our own actions.. no one will come save me in my time of need cos
when i die i die alone
when i feel pain ..the pain belongs to me
when i need comfort. i wlll have to do without.
when i need a hand to hold . there will be none there

the very same people who uttered the words i will always be there for you... are no where to be found

i just have to pick up my pieces and carry on  and hope to god that i will never make this same mistake again


Put trust no one but yourself

i feel really down today..
not much difference with the pain
disappointing really
i cant do much but lay in one spot. - thats no fun.
what if its something undetected... 
like the way it was with TB. for years i would go to get checked but everyone kept saying i had asthma
until i got tested for different things and the results came in.
this could be a similar situation.
what if i have something more...
the pain would have gone away by now if it was just an infection 
but its still really strong and persistent.
nothing like i've ever felt before.
ive been in that place where medical professionals have been wrong before.
i want to trust that everything will be ok in time but 
i just get this dark grim feeling over me at times when i think more into it.

maybe it is really goodbye.. maybe my time is up.
i feel almost dead. ... again...

a car , still at the mechanic
a period , still hasnt come yet
food , the dad is apparently surviving off his ample body fat and doesnt feel the need to go out and get some food shopping done..hes just content with eating dried crakers and sardines...  
i'm prolly down 5 lbs already 
if i dont go out and get stuff or if i dont cook .. no one will!!! it boggles my mind that when i'm done cooking.. after all my hard work - he rushes to eat it like hes been starving for months but the thing is - he doesnt want to cook .. I dont get it .

today my back is killin me 

My ob gyn says that i have a pelvic infection.

i dont know if its in my mind or what.. but the bloating.. the severe pain.... why of all days today when i saw the doctor that i feel fine???  if i hadnt seen the doctor today .... would i have continued to be in pain?

anyways it was SO VERY expensive!!!!!!! 
he did a pap smear, took a swab, he felt my boobies, he opened up my vagina with this instrument , he looked in , he took his instrument out and smelt it... put some sample of my discharge in a petri dish and inspected it with his scope

then he told me to go to the ultra sound room and we both watched a tv sceen.... put the gel on the stick , stuck it up and maneuvered it around ... we both took a tour of my L and R ovaries for what seemed like a long time and happily there were no babies stuck in there anywhere to my relief...

he said it looks good...

and as for the back pain.. he asked me .. "have you been lifting heavy things?"

 then called his assistant and told her to do a pregnancy test- t'was negative

and to top it all off... he prescribed the very same tablets i'd been taking  the flagyl ( apo) and doxycycline which had been making me feel nauseous ...

He also told me that the infection is caused by having sex and that if i have sex again... i can get another infection. .

i'm not going to be having sex ever again... i might as well sew shut the opening there cos no one is going to make me sick ever again although i was wrong and its not his fault.... i will be making sure that another episode like this never happens.. no one is allowed to touch me there... find another woman cos i aint having sex wid nobody ever fu-kin again/!!! ever... this was a bad experience i never ever want to go thru..

it costed me a pound and a crown and now i'm broke as a joke

i have to go back to get the results of my pap smear i think ..  but thats in another 3 weeks. 

after my little panic attack i was so tired.
 after i showered, i hopped in bed at 5.00 ish pm and  laid there till 7.44am this morning (next day) 
at 2.45 am i got up and realised i was supposed to eat dinner but  i  had lost my appetite by then...

its a rainy day  out today.

i dont know how many times i;ve written that i'm worried but incase u missed it  - i'm worried.

really really worried.

will update if possible later tonight.. if not, it means that i'm dead- hopefully a car will knock me over or i'll fall and hit my head or something of that nature.

still havent gotten my period yet.

 
i sat and cried in fear... just hyperventilating gasping for breath

just one of those times when u know every things not going to be ok


no hope

no hope  

  nothing to hold on to . 

i think this is what it feels like to be in hell.

I;m scared about tomorrow.. everytime i think about it , I cry 
i dont think i can take any more bad news. 
i want to end my misery tonight.

i have these visions of not being healed 
of being sick all my life and in pain
of being unhappy
of finding out that i cant be cured.
 of being scorned 

it torments me day and night.

i do pray, i pray that everything will be alright but i lose hope
with each passing day when it hurts more and more.

i got there on time and was told that there arent any positions available but they just wanted to meet with me and would call me back if anything became available. i guess that means no job for me. it didnt go too well. i think they wanted to see  a more bubbly personality.. my neighbour said i need to speak with more conviction.. cos right now  i'm too timid and quiet..

i guess only bright bubbly upbeat assertive people get ahead  in life and there is no place for the timid and weak

tomorrow i'm going to seek some medical attention.. last night i had another night mare that i was pregnant.

in the day i'm haunted by the fact that i could possibly have an std 

walking is a so painful , sitting is so painful.

i've lost 3 pounds but my belly is still big and bloated and something on the left  feels swollen inside.

dont ever believe when someone tells you  "oh i dont have any diseases" ... wait to see it on paper before they fu-k your enitre life and health  up! cos some people are LIARS and dont care about others and will want to fu-k your life up!!!!!!

i feel stupid that i felt like i had to have him in my life.I HATE HIM so much 

i am so angry and hurt right now.. and to know .. he still doesnt think that he did anything wrong.. he keeps trying to say that nothing is wrong with him, that I am the one with the problem...

I was healthy and happy before i had sex with you.. you are the only person who ive fucked ... now i am sick and you made me sick!! I hate him!

but I'm paying for my stupidity!  stupidity gets you no where but trampled on by monsters who make you sick

i sit on my bed .. thinking and going back to the day when i should have said no.
if i did ... then none of this would have happened

every day i grieve for something thats been lost.

i feel dirty and ashamed 

now i am paying the price of my deeds

do you know what you've done

why did you do this to me

i trusted you

you have no soul .  you heart less a$$hole

I feel so depressed.. i hope my lack of enthusiasm doesnt show  tomorrow...

i've made an appointment to see the dr. ... i dunno if i'll ever be able to get better.. what if its something extra serious. i'll be so crushed. what if its something permanent . i dunno i keep thinking and having nightmares that something really bad is going to happen...

maybe he'll tell me i have an ectopic pregnancy?

maybe he'll tell me i have an incruable std.

maybe he'll tell me that i need to have an operation
 
maybe its cancer

maybe something erupted

maybe i'll sound stupid at the interview

maybe i wont say the right thing

maybe i'll mess up

I'm supposed to go down with my neighbour in the morning.. i dont know how i'm going to get back home... i hope figuring out the way wouldnt be too difficult.

what do i wear

what do i say.. how do i prepare

omg this pain is too much.. 

got the car to the mechanic and left it there.. traveled back home in a taxi.

i feel utterly sad .. when the car comes back  to me next week or such . i'll try to make an appointment to see the doctor to get myself sorted out.

 i smell like the taxis air freshener and stale pee from walking on the pavement....

i bought another pregnancy test on my way ... and i just did it ..it says that i'm not pregnant. more  $$ down the toilet, i think i've done like 7 already.  but i'm swollen inside ...  maybe i should have my womb removed.

i wonder what effects that would take ...

ok going to eat and self medicate.. i've been taking doxycycline and apo metronizole... its making me feel a lot worse but i feel like if i dont take any medication it'll make no difference . i feel bad when i take it and i feel bad it i dont take it.